Archive for the ‘Matt Christopher’ Category

Tebow Versus Jacko: The Farewell Tours

March 7, 2009

Lately, Homerism has been thinking about just how momentous 2009 will look in the history books 20 years from now. Amid all the historic happenings, two events really stand out as the clear candidates for No. 1 in a crowded top 10 of big moments: Jacko’s last rodeo and Tim Tebow’s college football farewell tour. (Obama’s inauguration is three. Rock of Love Bus comes in fourth.)

Sorry to inflict such a hackneyed vehicle of pop culture snark on you, but the only way to settle this appears to be a tale of the tape.
Signature Clothing Item

The Gloved One’s one-hand-only fashion statement started a trend, however short-lived it may have been. More than that, though, Jacko’s shiny glove announced to the world that he would be a force on his own, sans siblings. He didn’t need something to cover both hands–just one. It was fresh, it was new and it told us all that young Michael was special. The old rules didn’t apply.
Tebow’s jorts are a horse of an entirely different color. Jean shorts are a well-worn tradition among Florida denizens. Rocking the jorts shows his adoring Gator fans that for all his prodigious achievements on the field and good works off it, he’s just an ordinary man.
Edge: Tebow. Homerism also fancies himself a man of the people.
Experience–Confirmed or Alleged–with Young Men’s Genitalia
Circumcision has its detractors, but it’s a practice with documented medical benefits.
Let’s just move on.
Edge: Tebow.
Famous Friends

This looks like the age-old quantity-versus-quality debate. In the past, Jackson’s close confidantes have included the chimp Bubbles, Corey Feldman, Emmanuel Lewis, Macaulay Culkin, Brooke Shields and Elizabeth Taylor.
However, Tebow has this.
Edge: Tebow. Landslide.
Signature Move
Anyone who has ever tried to moonwalk knows just how tough it is to pull off.  At the top of his game, though, it was as easy as recovering from a rhinoplasty for Jack0.
Tebow, of course, has made the jump pass a part of college football lore. OU fans cringe just thinking about it.
Edge: The jump pass may be effective, but moonwalking is much cooler. Score one for MJ.
Greatest Achievement
So many accomplishments to choose from here.
Among Jackson’s achievements:
  • building an amusement park at his home;
  • producing the best-selling record ever, Thriller;
  • trouncing the judicial system not once, but twice–even O.J. couldn’t pull that off;
  • inspiring an episode of Law and Order: SVU;
  • having an MTV Video Music Award for career achievement named after him.
Tebow’s resume is equally impressive:
  • an appearance on Two-A-Days;
  • a Heisman Trophy win;
  • two national championships.
If we’re talking “greatest” achievement, though, how does it get any better for Jackson than his nine-minute video for Remember the Time, featuring Eddie Murphy, Magic Johnson and Iman? Likewise, if you spend five minutes with Tim Tebow, you become a better person. This one is just too close to call.
Edge: Push.
‘Enough Already’
Jacko. Tebow.
Edge: There are no winners here.
Theme Park Ride

Jackson’s 3-D extravaganza Captain EO drew millions of visitors every year during its 12-year run at Disney’s amusement parks. How many other rides can boast Francis Ford Coppola and George Lucas among their creators? (By the way, Lucas’ involvement with this project should have presaged what a debacle the Star Wars prequels would turn out to be.)
Number 15 doesn’t have his own ride yet, but Homerism has no doubt we’ll see a Gator chomp loop-de-loop coaster at Praiseland any day now.
Edge: Jackson.

So there you have it: Tebow edges Jacko, but barely. Opponents should prepare to féte him accordingly next season. (How about a copy of a Matt Christopher classic to prepare for the next stage of his life?)